You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
is there nothing we can trust anymore
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.