When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
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Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.