[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
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Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*