*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
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imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
can’t catch a break
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.