My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
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Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?