I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
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We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.