[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
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Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see