Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
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ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
dogs can find happiness so easily
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Okay me first
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.