God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.