I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
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Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.