mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
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If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Bike is short for Bichael.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
oh my god
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.