This could be us, but you weedin’.
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This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.