Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
this chia pet tastes awful
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.