HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
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My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours