Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
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It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
dictator is short for richard potato
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Not today, today.
Not today.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…