Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
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most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Hot Hot Hot
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Who’s your best friend?
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
This sounds bad:
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator