The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
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I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can