Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
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Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free