Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
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Is fake venison called venisn’t
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.