No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
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I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER