All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
how to have an accident 101
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
That was easy.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.