On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
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May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Miscakes
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠