when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
You Might Also Like
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I need better friends
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’