My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
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Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.