ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
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Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.