I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
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Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”