Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
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John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?