For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
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today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Before & after 😅
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”