The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
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“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare