Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
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*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
describing stardew valley
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.