I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
You Might Also Like
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far