I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
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“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?