A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
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A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
dream blunt rotation
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.