Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.