My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
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I believe the plural is “milves.”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.