alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful š
You Might Also Like
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Go ahead and kidnap me. Youāll return me when my meds wear off.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
When I was your age we didnāt have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh š¤£
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didnāt get murdered. Take that, Mom.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
me and who
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: ācongrats! Thatās so exciting! Yay! Great news!ā
My dad: āhowās the water pressure?ā
Obviously if someoneās in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
āAdult assembly requiredā bro, how tf do you build an adult?
āIām gonna sleep in tomorrow.ā
Every child ever: No youāre not.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow thatās rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* donāt
me: thereās a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.