[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
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A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance