My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
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There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.