A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
You Might Also Like
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW