Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
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“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Every time.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
even bears disappoint their mothers
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.