I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
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every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.