Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
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Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.