Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
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If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
*jazz hands*
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary