Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
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Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM