My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭