Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
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I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future