I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
You Might Also Like
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.