When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
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Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands