The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*