son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
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Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”